Finding Calvin Part. 1 - 3 - Shallow Roots

 

He answers the phone

With the flip of the wrist

And with much to bemoan

He spills his grape drink

For who was on hold

But the shrewd detective

Still he keeps his control

Though he's wet at the tip

 

As he listens real close

His heart starts to sink

For he knows where this goes

Since he watches TV

Still he keeps his mouth closed

And he pays him due heed

To see what could be known

With the words that he'd speak

 

After the call

It was just as he thought

Baker Brian's still gone

And he just wanted to talk

So he said he can come

When he's back from his job

As he fumbles and palms

Four Loko's blue camouflage

 

[...]

 

Mestuffstoplease was shaken

But not at all confused

He expected that they would talk 

So it wasn't out of the blue

                    

But the timing was off

It seemed a little bit askew

Far from his emotional peak

And the tune he wanted to toot

 

Some would call it karma 

But that's a limited point of view 

In fact he would call it caramel

For it's more encompassing of the truth 

 

For a meal with detestable flavor

Doesn't have to ruin your mood

You just have to pay attention 

To the condiments in front of you

 

Then there's deaf-blind toddlers

Perhaps the exception to the rule 

Because they can't even speak

Let alone see the bottle they'd need to use

 

But with just a little more foresight 

He could have delayed his inconvenient truth

He could have kept his phone on silent

As one drinking and driving should always do

 

And now his music is distracting

As he has thoughts he needs to choose

He decides to drive along in silence

While he contemplates his next move

 

As he arrives to the hotel

He's mapped out what he needs to do

He heads through the hotel lobby

To their public but private computer room

 

But on his way he sees a guest

In the hotel's restaurant window view

It was looking like a hot mess 

And he felt a stirring for this eyeful food

 

(Mestuffstuffstoplease)

 

Exculpe senor

Habla Englais

 

(Waiter)

 

How can I help you 

 

(Mestuffstuffstoplease)

 

I see cake and I see plates

But are there no attendees

 

(Waiter)

 

It's a communal dessert sir 

Help yourself 

 

(Mestuffstuffstoplease)

 

Ah, wonderful

Gracias senor

 

[...]

 

Now with coffee and cake 

He proceeded on his way 

And finally started to Google

And prepare for his just in case

 

He Googled the Pink Fairy
And looked at the pictures and events

Then he scheduled a psychologist visit

To affirm his past actions made perfect sense 

 

He planned to talk about many things

In order to set a precedent 

For establishing his insanity

Should they have sufficient evidence 

 

He would talk about his homosexuality 

And his love for baking etiquette 

His Bundt cake and cupcake thing

To show that his sickness is legitimate

 

And then he'd visit the Pink Fairy
And retrace all of his previous steps
Keep an eye out for camera placement

And find out all that is relevant

 

Content with his future plan
He'd make a trip to the buffett
After a few more drinks and more cake
He'd wake up at around quarter after eight

Slightly woozy and missing pants

He'd have a late start to his day

But they'll wait for the Jelly Man
Because honestly what can they really say

 

Upon arriving at the restaurant

He puts on his sleuthing hat

To better understand and decide

The what's what and the that's that

 

Some workers gathered out back

Smoking and engaging in chitchat 

But he did not want to give them pause 

To gossip about their new bossman

 

For he understands first impressions 

And how precious that they can be

Plus he didn't know Via's language

Nor their culture nor how he should seem

 

So instead of appearing weak or a jerk

Coming off callow or too covert

He parked in front where he figured

He'd look both powerful and understood 

 

For that gave him cause to smile

Which made him look good for a little while

Which made him smile a little more 

As he entered the two front doors

 

He greets the hostess subtly

For Jefe opened them recently 

So his only concern is efficiency 

And mass producing his special jellies

 

He finds three gentlemen nearby

One was slightly husky and wearing a tie

He knew he must be Jefe's guy

So he hastened over to say hi

 

[Mestuffstoplease]

 

Hola, Jose

 

[Jose]

 

Yes

 

[Mestuffstoplease]

 

Are you ready to get started?

 

[Jose]

 

Ah, si si...

 

This is our assistant manager, Julio

And this our pastry chef, Jorge

 

[Mestuffstoplease]

 

It's a pleasure to meet you both...

 

Now what I want to do
Is a quick walk through
I'll give you my impressions
Of what I see and what I'd do

 

[...]

 

They start in the parking lot

And scrutinize all they see

He teaches them their position

Not just how they should act and seem

 

He says they're to focus on the wrongs

So the customers can see what's right

He wants all employees to belong

If they have a certain frame of mind

 

He emphasizes how they should walk

Unless determined otherwise

And trouble areas they should spot

And trouble areas they should find

 

During their walkthrough

He notices something strange

He sees ketchup, mustard, and bbq

But only two types of his jellies

 

Mestuffstoplease was seeing red

When he should see ROYGBIV

And they're in their jelly jars

Instead of squeezables with plastic tips

 

He paces to the back

To find their jelly rack

He's seeing more of the same

Monkey Jam and Raspberry Smack

 

While the others were in their bags

In the boxes that he sent

Before he started to complain 

He asked Jose why this made sense

 

(Mestuffstuffstoplease) 

 

Jose, why does this make sense to you?

 

(Jose)

 

Si, yes, the other flavors are great Jefe

But they just don't sell around here

 

[...]

 

Mestuffstuffstoplease was aghast

For Jose didn't understand 

People will always try the new 

They just need a helping hand

 

(Mestuffstuffstoplease)

 

Jose I want you to trust me 

And I need you to do as I say

Every table and the jelly rack

Must have every jelly that I make

 

And don't worry if they sell

I'll convince them of what they see 

Just line them up as I say 

According to my jelly scheme

 

We'll also transition to squeeze bottles 

For every type of condiment

But we'll put our jellies in the largest

To emphasize their dominance 

 

(...)

 

Mestuffstuffstoplease was motivated

Soon he'd find the office computer 

He'd design a new jelly poster

Emphasizing his amazing jelly flavors

 

He'd also design a trifold table menu

Something his customers could consider

It would display his jellies in exotic locales

The ones now on their table they can savor

 

[...]

 

On his way back to the hotel

He decided to run an experiment

He stopped at the shopping mall

Buying a soccer jersey, jeans, and kicks

 

He wanted to see if compliance

Would come easier as one of them

He thinks that being the cool boss

Will create positive auras and tempraments

 

Then while he hastened to the hotel pool

After a few sets in the hotel gym

A hotel worker gave him a dirty look

While he was strolling in his speedo fit

 

But he thought that he looked good

Plus it informed all the little kids

Of what they should want when they get old

And therefore it's not all inappropriate 

 

As he soaks in the hot tub

He thinks about the money that he'd get

And how he can just buy himself a wife

If Charlene is not at all interested 

 

Then he thinks about sugar babies 

And if that's an option that's legit 

After all a marriage of convenience 

Is just legalized prostitution

 

Then he thinks about Charlene's butt 

And the traits of the ideal woman 

She'd have nice lips and big old hips 

And be someone who keeps it moving 

 

Then he thought about planting roots

And he thought about having kids

Then he thought about weed infestation 

And how serious it can get

 

He knew that he'd need mulch

Pine needles or grass clippings

And he thought about herbicides

And their human equivalents

 

As he gets out of the hot tub

A woman paces straight towards him

Slaps him square across the jaw

And says he should be Baker Acted

 

Mestuffstuffstoplease was shocked

As much as the surrounding guests

But the woman scampered off

And so did he to the nearest exit

 

As he enters his hotel room

He sees his pants placed upon his bed

Still warm and neatly pressed

With a scented note that neatly said

 

"Per your request - Staff"

 

He decides that it's a good time 

To leave before he sees

Why on earth he was slapped

And why he needed his dress pants cleaned 

 

As he quickens to the front

He passes the hotel restaurant 

And sees two officers in conversation

With the manager and a boy garson

 

He quickly averts his gaze

And finds a side exit that he would take

He decides it wouldn't be a mistake

To keep the hotel key as a fond keepsake