Finding Calvin Pt. IV - 3 - Dessertations
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously.
Finding Calvin Part IV - 3 - A Master Unknown - Dessertations
* = Minor corrections
Surrounded by men of distinct
According to what imagined
With conversation succinct
But devoid of understanding
Untidy with missing cufflinks
Staring at his arms extension
He recoils it from instinct
On the table where it rested
Hearing whisps from Mr. Thompson
And reminded of his habit
He suddenly pats his pocket
But twas nothing there worth grabbing
[...]
Mr. Thompson: Is there something wrong Dr. Humphries? You have barely eaten.
[...]
Calvin stares at his corn beef hash, two eggs, hash browns, and toast
—just like he used to prepare at Denny's--
Adjacent to his black coffee, sherbert ice cream, and chocolate milk
[...]
Calvin: It's pretentious—the sherbert, especially without asking
Dr. Shoemocker: Is there something wrong Dr. Humphries?--You have yet to eat anything.
Calvin: Breakfast and dessert in one meal—it's preposterous.
Dr. Whittleson: Truly, you take yourself too seriously Dr. Humphries. You really must live a little
Dr. Humphries: Perhaps that's why you're still an associate—too busy living little
Dr. Whittleson: ha-ha-ha, touche, Dr. Humphries. Touche.
[...]
Calvin couldn't say why
But he felt he was playing a role
And he wasn't sure why he was there
And what he supposedly really knows
[...]
Dr. Sinclair: My Edward said to me, "father, if I can't have true love because of who I am or if true love doesn't really exist, then I want a retinue of whores, like King Solomon.
I said, "Edward, King Solomon didn't have a retinue of whores he had a retinue of concubines—and there's a difference.
He said to me, "now you're just playing semantics father. You know what I meant.
Dr. Anders: He's rather bleak isn't he?
Dr. Sinclair: Yes, I fear that I may have traumatized him—too many nannies have come and gone.
Dr. Hughs: Yes, well, it can be unrewarding to always be the better man. One must answer the call of the wild from time to time to keep one's bearing.
Dr. Smith: How did it end?
Dr. Sinclair: I told him that feelings of love do exist, but what he sees on the television can never truly be. For unrefined emotional states only lead to destruction. I told him that true feelings are for those who can afford to have bad ones—and that is one luxury powerful people cannot indulge without consequence. I told him that the sooner he can understand that the better off that he'll be.
Dr. Thompson: (leans over to Calvin again and whispers): Are you okay, chap?--I think you have enough.
[...]
Calvin now noticed that he was spreading jelly from the only jelly jar that was now plain to see--
A jelly that he didn't think he's known but now attracted him with curiosity--
He was at once captured by its scent, the way it spread, and its rich viscosity--
He knew that it was the anthocyanins and the pectin faithfully consummating
[...]
Suddenly an eruption of emotion and provocation
Spewed forth from a nearby roundtable
From one of the many tuxedoed men
In the large banquet hall for unknown occasion
[...]
Random banquet guest: Not show-co-la-day!
It's chocolate. Choc-lit! Say it! Two syllables. Say it: chocolate!
(Two brown-shirted men brought the commotion to an end
With either honeydewed speech or promise of a looming threat)
Dr. Thompson: What a pedantic prick--still an autistic waiter, the organizers should have known better.
Dr. Albertson: It could be FAS: foreign accent syndrome--a neurological condition caused by brain damage.
Dr. Rooney: Speaking of autisim, I've heard through the grapevine that research has indicated that estrogen injected into the sonichedgehog signaling pathway can normalize gene expression in the brain. The therapeutic applications will be quite lucrative, I'm sure. But shh—you didn't hear it from me...Get it?—It's a pun...and the brandy, forgive me.
Dr. Sinclair: What would be the mode of delivery?
Dr. Rooney: it's all hush-hush. That was part of the pun, but embryo via petri dish from my understanding...
Though as my source explained, there is no definitive way of determining the autistic susceptibility of a fetus. So, in theory we would have to estrogenize all embryos to ensure the eradication of autism
Dr. Albertson: First trans frogs. Now this. Preposterous. Soon our young men will be sitting on eggs...
Albert Einstein, Sir Issac Newton—these men were autistic.
Maybe he wouldn't be able to play the game but I'd rather have a hyper-fixated lego builder than a namby-pamby stuck in oviposition.
Mr. Thompson: Where's a translational neurodevelopmental biologist when you need one? (He glances about)...
Blast, all these doctorates and not one who could shed some light.
Dr. Rooney: I believe Dr. Muller has the expertise that we need.
Dr. Anders: Well, it sounds like a class-action on the horizon. You'll have to get all viable fetuses to sign waivers before they leave the womb—just in case (subtle group laughter).
Dr. Albertson: (markedly quips) But is one the womb worth 30 in the petri dish? (group laughter)
Dr. Sinclair: If only there were embryonic writing utensils (group laughter)
Dr. Smith: Perhaps a QR code will suffice (bawdy group raucous laughter—even Calvin felt the glee)
Dr. Hughs: As Zarathustra says "he who climbeth on the highest mountains, laugheth at all tragic plays and realities"
And as you gentlemen know life is arbitrage so who would be surprised by the developments. Hear, hear! (raises his glass in a toast).
[....]
Though no longer jelly spreading
Calvin was neglecting a due raising
He concluded his chocolate milk was not their ilk
And could possibly be forsaking
[...]
(Attention!)
(Everyone turned attention to the podium and its speaker)
Dr. Stoders (Presenter): Beloved donors, academics, and special guests. I'm sorry for interrupting, however I have a special announcement this evening.
As you all know, here at Vaultshire Hall we believe in raising up lions, captains of industry that will one day be the only example of superhero we need—cape not required (crowd laughter)
(On-stage whispers)
Dr. Stodgers: Ah, yes, the term is ubermensch. Thank you, Dr. Muller for the reminder
But as we all know not every institution of learning is prepared to adopt our methods. However, we have found an amicably subversive way to alter student bias.
To explain our findings, I would like to invite to the the podium Vaultshire's Director of Curricular Innovation and Advanced Programs, Dr. Thompson.
Please Dr. Thompson, if you will be so kind (subtle crowd applause).
Mr. Thompson: Watch my pipe, will you Dr. Humphries (Whispers in his ear while he gets up). And you keep it away from Dr. Rooney (He smiles and pats him on the back).
(Calvin glares at Dr. Thompson's pipe making sure that it's soundly stable)
(Dr. Thompson finds the podium)
Friends, colleagues, honored guests, thank you for having me.
First off I would like to thank our great leader Dr. Humprhies for his diligence and integrity in creating a consistent student populace here at Vaultshire Hall. As the staff and students know all too well, he makes a mean dewberry jelly. (crowd laughter)
Truly, such experimentation and progression would not be possible with wil-o'-the-wisp types. So--thank you Dr. Humphries. Truly (crowd applause and acknowledgement).
[...]
Though he has the cup of coffee
Calvin was not willing to raise his cup
For there was still the missing cufflinks
And he's not willing to risk the guff
[...]
Mr. Thompson:
At our age we know that our traumas define us. So here at Vaultshire Hall we make sure that students get the trauma that they deserve. However, we also know that the world is much larger than the square mile outside of this facility (Crowd laughter).
And we know that not every institution of learning is prepared to adopt our methods. With this in mind, I thought of a more subversive way to alter student bias. But to confirm my suspicions, I would need to run a social experiment.
Starting out, the goal was simple: convince students to support biases they initially disagree with.
To gauge the success of our social experimentation, the pre-established biases were completely arbitrary and differed between each experimental group. In total there were five experimental groups and one control group.
To give you an appreciation of our findings, I will briefly outline the experimental process.
We projected images of people from different ages, races, genders, and cultures. We then asked the students to determine whether they would say hi or avoid them.
We had the students make their selections on their individual tablets within the classroom setting. We then projected the student rankings onto the whiteboard, determined by our preselected biases. The top 10% received a marshmallow from my associate, Ms. Jensen. Every child likes marshmallows after all (crowd laughter)
My team and I then encouraged open dialogue amongst the class to determine why some received the marshmallow and some did not--as they were never expressly told why their choices were right or wrong, nor which choices were right or wrong during or after the selection process. We made sure to use neutral language during this process as to not interfere with the opinions given. We would end the discussion once student opinions were exhausted. Without any conclusive understanding, we would repeat this process until we were able to subvert loser bias and conform them to the desired bias, which on average took twenty six cycles. We concluded that the losing students adjusted their mindset on a metis basis, mapping out the winning biases through open dialogue with the students that were winning consistently.
With the precedent set, we linked the right answers no longer to our pre-established biases, but to a random winning student's, whose true name shall never be mentioned...Any Harry Potter fans? (Crowd laughter).
Though in private we nicknamed him the 1%, the students insisted on calling him Professor X after the 100th cycle (crowd laughter). Regardless,
with this alteration we were able to confirm that the losers' remapping happened on a subconscious level.
After reviewing the data I reached out to my state contact, Dr. Schultz. With sufficient resources and support, Dr. Schultz and I were able to fashion the test to a young adult mindset and implement it throughout the greater tristate area, testing over 1,000 men and women between the ages of 18-24.
However in this iteration we realized that an adult mindset would require more subversive measures than open dialogue and marshmallows. This time we would utilize our knowledge of aromachology to influence bias. We would use ambient scenting to alter choice bias in the moments just prior to choice selection.
We did this through scent infusers installed onto the bottom of each individual seat. And like the students before, we would run this study in group atmospheres ranging from 12-16 participants.
Through the inclusion of pleasing and repulsive scents, we were able to manipulate choice bias most of the time. But the results were far from conclusive. Additionally, we discovered that some scents caused intragroup disturbances amongst participants—disrupting the testing process with accusations of "whoever smelt it delt it." It turns out that when it came to scent distribution, it was very much a matter of scent selection and scaling.
We decided as a team that a more effective approach would instead be to transition to variable animal noises delivered below the threshold of awareness. We found that the most disturbing animals were predictable: Tigers, and lions, and bears—oh my. (crowd laughter)
However, it wasn't puppies, sheep, or kitten mewing that participants were wooed by. No, it turns out that beaver moans, that's right beaver moans, were the most attractive noise to the human psyche
--at least those with an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex. Though, between you I, I've been listening to beaver moans ever since the discovery, and I can tell you--I get it (Crowd laughter).
Gerbil purring came in at a close second. (Crowd laughter)
Nonetheless, the experiments have unearthed some extraordinary findings, including a love of cats, ambivalence towards geese, and, for whatever reason, a deep hatred for the Karen people of Southeast Asia.
(Crowd laughter)
Random guest: You wanka! Youuuuu wanka!
(The man takes a drink from his bourbon colored glass, perhaps preparing for another spat)
[...]
The man was quickly raised and roused up onto his feet--
By brown shirts that swarmed about somehow camouflaged before the scene--
They exited him swiftly with no more sound as if there were no more to be believed--
Just a man surprised by what he found
When he decided to interrupt favored speech
[...]
Mr. Thompson:
Perhaps it was the sherbet? (He turns to the seated men on stage) Carrot cake next time, Dr. Pruette. Take note (crowd laughter)
[...]
Calvin would peer the double doors
Intent on exiting--
He calmly pressed his suited tux
and suppressed his dishelved sleeves--
On his walk across the floor
He noticed a dark-lit corner scene--
It was a glare from eyeglasses ware
From the man that was cloaked in-between
He would find a familiar corridor and familiar piano keys--
But there was a terribly discordant sound and off-putting melody--
There was a student mewing no doubt
And master switching authority--
But no wiggling would be found
For Calvin took the first* exit he would see
[...]
Refreshed by the carnival atmosphere
And all the families to be believed
He no longer felt like a private privateer
Tethered to the bottom of an unknown sea
The obvious path forward was clear
It would guide him to where he would be
With nothing chiding nor disarming near
Except for some smiles and cotton candy
He felt safe and superior
In his dark suit of luxury
Though he could not see himself reared
He knew it to be true intuitively
But then he'd see something queer
A man having too much fun for the scene
Cream pieing a child hiding in fear
Amid a yoddler-on-a-mountain pie-throwing pillory
Calvin would ignore the man's speared jeer
For all were having fun, united, and free
Except for the bewildered and burdened steered
Led by the ones determining what's yet to be
Stately progressing as if on a bier
He would take mental notes faithfully
He'd soon see youths filling up their spheres
At the water gun activity
When redirecting where he leered
He noticed the sky was a darker sheen
He was feeling the onset of fear
Seeing the crowd with eyes that gleamed*
He looked to where he first appeared
But no academy nor cotton candy could be seen
Just some teenagers with unkempt hairs
Using loud language with vulgarity
[...]
(Teenagers passing by in a group)
Teenager: *******
[...]
The insult was unreal
And completely out of place
For he's been a man of steel
Walking taller and with much more grace
He'd come upon the ferris wheel
That has always been in his gaze
Moving faster since now revealed
With three in rotation passing face
Their brief moment was surreal
And quickly racing out of range
It was three military men congealed
With assumed jelly smearing each face
As if planted on potted field
Or something more ominously
All movement has been steeled
At least on the ground where he surveyed
He'd enter a large tent concealed
For no path forward was relayed
He'd find bleachers where all were stilled
Beholding a burning effigy in circus ring
Calvin felt no choice but to yield
He was beyond stirred* he was shaked
it was as if his amygdala just squealed
For the first time in this century
As if floating or hoisted on wheels
He'd back up the way he came
It was reminiscent of a J-Turn
One would see in the cinema or on TV
He'd find a break room that smelled of veal
Where three soldiers were eating cake
It was as if he was watching a film reel
Hidden behind a mysterious outer frame
It was as if Calvin were not real
For none would look him in the face
He'd find the potted coffee sealed
As if it were sold not made* that way
Then another came in with zeal
It was an officer with higher rank
Tossing papers he would no longer wield
Then grabbing cherry pie by the kitchen sink
[...]
German soldier: (says something in German)
[...]
Ignoring the supplication
The officer exits not the way he came
Calvin would feel inclined to hasten
For what reason he could not really say
[...]
German officer: mutters something
[...]
It was a dark starry night pronounced
Except for some clouds that were in the way
He mosied between corridors of tents strewn about
Eating his pie and looking up casually
Calvin would notice lights abound
Piercing the gaps of tents like alleyways
He'd follow along like the overhead clouds
Observing the mellow-drama that was taking place
The officer would finish what's in his mouth
And toss aside his ceramic plate
It's as if it's good enough for the ground
Since they're really both one and the same
(German officer mutters something)
[...]
Suddenly he removed his officer's cap--
And without changing pace nor breaking step--
Would elevate amid a shrouded envelopment--
Disappearing into the night sky's power ensconced within
[...]
Calvin fled the starlit reprieve
Finding his way to an open view
Seeing glens from a fenced-in scene
And exit guarded by military retinue
[...]
Guard: Halo...halo
[...]
Guard: Sir, sir, show me your papas. Show me your papas, now!
(Calvin pulls out his papers he did not realize he had, and the guard assertively grabs them but only for a moment until he said)
Guard: You are not Ukranian! You are not Ukrainian!
[...]
Calvin looks at his passport picture
And it was an all-too clear tell
His egg basket said made in the USA
And he was standing in front of the Liberty Bell
Calvin was beginning to simmer
And he was re-thinking not shooting Xao
For now he felt betrayed
Hearing the click-clack of a German pistol
[...]
Muffled Distant Voice: Halo!
[...]
He had a fleeting observation
Gazing at the light the blinds failed to sheathe
Does he truly know who is master
And why did he purchase his first Denny's
He thought of his jelly pump
And all the jelly that he squeezed
Did all really have jelly love?
Or did he just create the jelly need?
He thought of Mr. Lamington
And all the things he's come to believe
How much reality is a given
And how much pretending is becoming
[...]
Distant voice: Halo!
[...]
Was he hearing things like he did the other day--
He reflects on the pitter-patter
The supposed undropped anchor
And the semi-discovered mystery
He never ruled out the possibility of foul play--
But do delusions get intertwined
With the many realities
Willingly and unwillingly
[...]
Not-so Distant voice: Halo!
[...]
With the third call closer
He grabs the pistol in his reach
To decide the current's closure
And his awakening reality
It seems Calvin knows science! I'm sure he's read Dr. Robert Sapolsky's work on scent manipulation in the book Determined!
Mysteries and questions:
What do you think are the implications for the experiment's expansion? Does it have anything to do with the brown-shirted men or the mysterious man in the dark lit corner?
...
I'm not sure what else I should really explore here--since it's a dream segment--but I might revisit this section later
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