Finding Calvin Pt. 2 - 1 - Bloom Twice (Updated 12/16/24*)

By Adam Privett

 



So Calvin has been thinking 
And with such rumination 
He begins his Googling 
With much anticipation 
For he knows that Lamington 
Has just discriminations 
And he'll reward his ogling 
With lush remuneration 

Though financial incentive 
Invokes much jubilation 
That's not the only blessing 
For his lush subcreation 
For Lamington can provide 
More than just compensation
He can subvert prying eyes
Given such an occasion 

And Calvin's Calvinism 
Provides lush burgeonation 
As he's making up his mind 
With much consideration 
For it's a matter of time 
For such deliberations 
If he's to exist inside 
Not just as an equation 

[...]

Calvin began reading the Bible
It has been too long since he had
He vaguely remembered church
With his mom and his dad

But its ideas weren't novel
Nor the attitudes therein
For everyone got the gist
It was quite American 

And his cool-boss persona
Seemed quite a good fit
For after reading Luke 8:18
He's seeing everything as a mint

For taking is not stealing
At least not in business
You just have to know how
And display a certain finesse 

And he could be anything 
Now that he's one of the elect
As long as he's winning for Christ
According to 1 Corinthians 

But Calvin was disturbed 
By what the Apostle Paul said
To hand others over to Satan
If they fail to repent 

Still he didn't like the idea 
Of handing her over to Satan
But a team has many roles
And each works toward the same end

Still his business isn't church
It's a pastry establishment
And though her speech was absurd 
Are strap-on dildos really a sin

Maybe he can get her to repent
For she was inappropriate 
by threatening to write her up 
To show that her sickness is legit 

But that was a while ago
And these issues are time sensitive
Perhaps he could try to bait her
Or just lie for another Christ win

For it's not like she's not a liar
But he'll pry for verification 
Everyone lies sometimes 
Even if it's not a deception 

But Calvin felt enlivened 
With his Christ-like discernment
Instead of chasing the carrot 
He has become the carrot's stick 

And he's getting to know himself
And the personhood of Jesus
He's like a grown-up nesting doll
With his personality toolkit 

But he'll  listen real close
And also look deep within 
To truly understand his role 
In her predestination

Somehow this seemed familiar
Then he thought of the Matrix
Perhaps this is the black cat 
Or maybe just a brain glitch 

But he had another concern
And with a really big fish
It involved Mr. Lamington
And his European Collection 

And this was upsetting 
At least for a part of Calvin
For he liked the Forgotten Rinds
But they'll have to stay forgotten 

For he has greater priorities 
If he's to remain a free man
But he'll remember the forgotten
As a bigger part of the plan 

He stayed busy on Google
Finding clever explanations 
As to why he chose each flavor
For his new jellied collection 

Then in walks the Caker 
And then in walks the Chef
The Caker's talking how he'd take her
Upon the very desk Calvin sat

[Via]

It would be like that Shaggy music video...it wasn't me.

[Chef]

She's a beautiful woman
Calvin what do you know about the barback

[Calvin]

You're referring to her aunt
I hope... 
And she's called for 

[...]

Calvin didn't plan the words
They just kind of manifested
It seemed his faith knew his worth
And was part of God's election 

[Via]

Oh, did you go on a date yet?

[Calvin]

It's not that easy
We're not in college anymore

[Chef]

It's even easier now, Calvin
You're just making it complicated 

[Via]

Yeah, if anything her options have dwindled
While you are the maker of the pies, pastries and cakes

[Calvin]

Jelly too

[Via]

Exactly. Just pinch her butt
She'll know what to do...
Just make sure you smile when you do it

[Chef]

Just ask her out Calvin

[...] 

Then an idea occurred to Calvin 
Inspired by God's word 
He remembered the Songs of Solomon
And the poetry he heard 

[Cavlin]

I have an idea 
I will write her a sonnet 

[Via]

Haha, of course you will

[Chef]

Ignore him Calvin
Just make your intentions clear
And she'll respond 

[...] 

Feeling a surge of inspiration
He grabs his noise cancelling earmuffs
And strokes a passionate summation
To show her how deeply he could love 

Though he's relinquishing calculation *
For the investigation that could come *
He begins the preface for his formulation*
And pens the words that he could think up *:

I want to spill on you like coffee.

I want you to burn like the flame in the Tabernacle

I want to soften your nipples like toffee
I want to watch as our young have a sample

 

I want to guard your flock of milk makers

I want to drink from your salmon-pink peaks

I want to visit your well of laden

I want to release the flood that teems

 

I want to feel your bulbous peach
The one that hangs down low

I want to tickle it underneath
I want to feel the hairs that grow

 

Your feet are like small boats
That lead me to the market's dock
There I will spill my load 

And count the shekels worth the stock

 

So prepare your harlot ship

I have plenty of seaman to give
I'm asking you to be my mate 
Raise your flag with my name on it

 

[...]

 

Feeling a procreative pep in his step
He moseyed over to the kitchen
He would keep the note on stand-by
For the opportunity that was missing

 

He hasn't had these feelings 
Since Susie Q at College Station 
It seemed he was feeling love's rebirth
And an erection where he was facing 

 

He found himself staring at Marie 
Instead of his jellied creations 
This reminded him of his Sweetheart
And how it differed from its relations

 

For it bloomed twice per year 
Which is a fruitful undertaking 
Yielding 30lbs annually 
Helping pay for their vacations 

 

But that was in better times
Before wages were mandated 
When a man could earn from his capital
Not be forced to pay higher wages 

 

Soon he saw Ashley pass
With Charlene in proximation 
He made his move to act fast
With smooth words he's calculated 

 

[Calvin]

 

Charlene...if you're not interested, just ignore this

 

[...]

 

Charlene's look on her face 
Was quite a novel expression
But Calvin quickly walked away
Before she could break the tension

 

Calvin had always been shy 
And was prone to introspection
He took every comment to heart
Which hindered relational progression

 

For people sometimes just say things
Not everything is a greater lesson
But every insult became a chink 
And part of his holy blessing

 

For emotional wounds can frame the mind
If one doesn't change attention
But they can also be a guiding light
Providing insight where others are guessing 

 

He stays in the office for quite some time
Thinking of jelly names that he would mention
When he finally typed out his last jelly line
He heard a ring on the office extension 

 

[Calvin]

 

Hello

 

[Caller]

 

Lord Lamington would like to come by for brunch tomorrow
Noon.  Sharp. 

 

[Calvin]

 

Ah, yeah, I can do that.

 

[Caller]

 

Very well.  Bring your jelly samples for presentation. 

 

[Calvin]

 

Okay.

 

[...]

 

Calvin was surprised by the call
And at first he was elated

Then he seemed to be stuck on pause
Thinking of the timing's correlation

 

He quickly came back to mind 
Forgetting his reality's summation 
And continued thinking fortune resides

With the elect in God's equation 

 

As he changes his frame of mind
He hears the office door adjacent
And sees Charlene in a red halter top 
Where his name was clearly emblazoned

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